Freed Up!

Crazy Time by Norine Dworkin-McDaniel

2011-11-21T08:15:00.000-08:00

Of all the plans you made for married life as you registered for gifts, bought a house, had kids, made friends, and otherwise settled into a routine as one half of a couple, going toe to toe with your spouse in divorce court a decade or so later probably didn’t make the list. No one (with the possible exception of Donald Trump’s wives) walks down the aisle with an exit strategy tucked in her garter. So when one of you decides to bail, the pure chaos of a life unraveling and the uncertainty of what comes next can make you feel like an emotional pinball, careening from shock and anger to confusion, panic, despair, guilt, hate, longing, possibly even relief or excitement.

And whether you left or got left, in this tumultuous state of flux, crazy, even contradictory, thoughts and fears can bounce around your head: I’ll ruin him … I’ll get a boob job … I’m going out to get laid … I’m better off … I hope he keels over screwing that minx he ran off with … Maybe he’ll come back … Did I make a mistake? … Will I ever feel okay again?

Totally crazy … and perfectly normal, according to relationship and mental health experts. “You’re going to go through every single possible emotion because life as you know it is over no matter whose choice it was to leave,” explains Jennifer Freed, PhD, a marriage and family therapist in Santa Barbara, California. “Whether it was good or bad, marriage is a structure. It’s familiar, it’s repetitive. You get used to a certain rhythm. Whenever we lose that, we fracture psychologically to a certain degree, and then have to reassemble. In that process, it’s natural to have these rapidly cycling feelings.”

If there’s one thing you can hold onto while you’re spinning wildly on this emotional Tilt-A-Whirl, it’s that as disoriented and nauseated as you’re feeling in the thick of a divorce, eventually you will regain your equilibrium. “These feelings don’t last, though it seems like they will,” assures Dr. Freed. She points to a friend who took to her bed after her husband of 20 years left her for a younger woman. “She kept saying ‘There’s nothing worth living for.’ Now she’s happy as can be and full of life. These feelings can be intense, but within a year or two the emotional swings become less extreme.”

Meanwhile, as you adjust to the New Normal, relationship experts explain what’s going on if you’re thinking …

… WTF happened?

Regardless of whether you were blindsided one morning by your husband’s I’m leaving youannouncement or your divorce was a slo-mo train wreck that took years for all the cars to come off the rails, when the reality hits that your marriage is over, it’s a shock. “Everybody at one point or another, even if you wanted the divorce, says ‘Holy shit! I can’t believe what’s going on,’” says Yahoo Health’s mental health expert Rob Dobrenski, PhD, author of Crazy: Notes On and Off The Couch. Like post-earthquake aftershocks, he says these WTF feelings rippling through your psyche “will come and go. If you stand pat and let time do its thing, eventually those feelings will stop.” The mistake people who initiate divorce can make at this stage, he says, is to misinterpret uncertainty in the face of huge change as a sign they should stay married. “People think feeling scared means they must not want to really go through with the divorce,” says Dr. Dobrenski. “Maybe you should reunite; maybe you shouldn’t. But don’t base your decision on fear.”

… I’ll get a boob job and lipo and Botox.

If your husband traded you in for a younger model, your first instinct may be to book an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon hoping that a little body work of your own could entice him to come back. Save your cash because that’s magical thinking. “Marriages don’t break up because of what a woman’s breasts look like,” notes Dr. Dobrenski. And while getting nipped and tucked may lift sagging breasts and smooth out some wrinkles, cosmetic surgeries can’t fix the deeper relationship flaws, like communication problems or fundamental differences in money management or child rearing, that can really sink a marriage. “New breasts don’t improve communication or make couples enjoy each other’s company outside of the bedroom, so trying to fix a marriage with plastic surgery is like putting a band-aid on a gun shot wound,” says Dr. Dobrenski. If you still want the body work in a year or so when your feelings aren’t so raw, go for it. And consider it good use of your divorce settlement.

… I wanted the divorce, so why am I sad?

If you couldn’t wait for the official divorce decree to arrive in the mail, feeling a bit blue that your marriage is finally over and done with can really throw you for a loop. You wanted out, so why aren’t you celebrating? “When you’re building up to leave your marriage, you pay a lot of attention to what’s not working about the relationship because you need to psychologically prepare yourself to go,” explains Miami-based marriage, family and sex therapist Lisa Paz, PhD. “But once you leave, it’s normal to become a little reflective and melancholy. A certain phase of your life is ending, and even if it was your decision to go, you’re still mourning the loss of the life you had together.” Any time you trade the familiar for the unfamiliar, it’s natural to get a little nostalgic for what you left behind. “Getting a do-over, a chance to hit the restart button on your life can be refreshing, exciting, liberating,” says Dr. Paz. “But it’s also scary because with separation comes pain, anxiety, depression, confusion.” Hang in. Once you settle into your new life, the sadness should pass.

… I feel lost. Who am I now?

Losing your longtime status as one-half of a couple can leave you feeling unmoored and adrift, a little uncertain about how to define yourself when you’re no longer Mrs. So-And-So. “Divorce creates a vacuum, so no matter how ‘together’ you typically are, it’s normal to feel a little lost during a divorce because along with your husband go the familiar routines and structures that went with your marriage,” says Dr. Freed. Not surprisingly, this can be especially devastating for women who built their entire identity and self-esteem on being their husband’s partner – keeping the house, tending the children, perhaps working in their husband’s business. Not having that structure and social position in the community to identify with can be terrifying. “Raising children and being a good spouse is an important job and some women find that vocation incredibly meaningful,” says Dr. Freed. “But when your man leaves, it invalidates the entire profession. Every woman I know of who’s going through a serious divorce right now is on anti-anxiety medications or sleeping pills because the anxiety is so intense.” Expect to feel a bit disconnected until you start establishing your own new routines and rituals around your new life. “The more energy you invest in your own development as a person, the less time it will take to get over the breakup,” says Dr. Freed.

… I feel guilty for leaving him.

You couldn’t stand being married to him for one more minute. The way he breathed drove you nuts. And yet, with the excitement of being solo again, come twinges of guilt for going. What gives? “If you haven’t had the worst marriage ever, there’s still an emotional connection with your ex,” explains New York City psychotherapist Michael Batshaw, LCSW. “And if you’ve been close to that person and shared a life with them, even if there are strong negative feelings and you don’t want to be married, you’re aware that you’re hurting them in a pretty major way. Unless you’re a sociopath, you’re going to feel some guilt.”

… He left me for someone else, so I’m going to sleep with every guy I can!

It’s possible that bedding one or two hotties might soothe your wounded ego and reassure yourself that you’ve still got it going on. And if sex was nonexistent in the last few months (or years) of your marriage, it’s understandable to want to go get some. A dose of casual sex (with condoms, of course) can do your body and mind good in lots of ways. Just don’t count on a casual romp to heal what really hurts. “If your ex cheated or left you for another woman, settling the score is a temporary fix, but it doesn’t usually address the profound rejection most women feel when the man they loved and trusted leaves them for someone else,” says Dr. Freed. And you run the risk of having the whole abandonment scenario play out again if Mr. Casual Encounter treats things too casually for you. “One of my clients tried three different guys in six months after her husband left her for her best friend. She had the best sex of her life, but in each case she just got hurt again,” says Dr. Freed. “The guys were certainly interested in having sex, but they weren’t interested in knowing her. And ultimately women need people to be interested in them, not just their bodies.”

… Revenge!!

You’ll sleep with his best friend. Slash his tires. Tell your 20,000 Facebook friends and Twitter followers that he’s got a really small penis. Tip off the IRS that he’s been cheating on his taxes for the last decade or so. Confide to his overbearing, nosy mother that he really wants her to move in “during the divorce transition,” but is too shy to ask her. Cooking up revenge fantasies – and imagining your ex’s suffering – can be highly entertaining … and cathartic. But keep it in the realm of imagination so you don’t do anything you’ll really regret later. “We seek revenge because we think that hurting the person who hurt us will make us feel better. But it doesn’t usually,” says Dr. Freed. “Initially you feel a rush of power and control when we act out our vengeance, but that usually fades and then you’re left with a sense of shame and humiliation because you sank to such a low level of behavior.” Something else to keep in mind: Continuing to nurse revenge fantasies can actually get in the way of your breakup recovery. “Staying focused on your ex is a way of not letting go,” says Dr. Freed.

STANLEY GOES TO CHINA

2011-09-11T09:06:00.000-07:00

LESSONS FROM STANLEY THE CAT is in CHINESE now which means we will be going to CHINA September 13-29 to spread the joy of Stanley everywhere.

Amazon.com: Lessons from Stanley the Cat: Nine Lives of Everyday ...

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www.amazon.com/Lessons-Stanley-Cat-Everyday.../0399536159 - 頁庫存檔

Amazon.com: Lessons from Stanley the Cat: Nine Lives of Everyday Wisdom ( 9780399536151): Jennifer Freed, Tone Gellerstedt: Books.

GET A PET

2011-07-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

6 Reasons Pets are Good For you

by Dr. Jennifer Freed Author of LESSONS FROM STANLEY THE CAT

1)Pets demonstrate unfettered and unconditional Love Pets demonstrate loyalty and caring without the complication of motives and secret agendas. Feeling loved by a pet boosts the mood and the attitude. When you have had a loss, or a depressing day, pets are there to remind you that there is love and goodness in the world.

2) Pets provide empathy for your pain. Most pets are experts in sensing when you are emotionally hurt or upset and they will soothe you. A dog may lick you. A cat will saddle up next to you.

A bird will coo. Pets have an uncanny ability to sense human suffering and try to alleviate it.

3) Pets provide an outlet for affection. Humans need touch and contact or they wither. Pets allow humans to safely express affection and have daily and consistent "petting". This has proven to reduce stress and anxiety.

4)Pets teach people how to get out of their head and into their hearts. Humans spend far too much time worrying and fretting. It has become increasingly hard to be present to the delightful moment at hand. Pets are masters of the present tense. They teach us how to drop in to the sensory moment at hand and lose the preoccupations of the frenetic modern mind.

5) Taking care of pets gets us off our butts. Obesity and sedentary living is a huge problem in our country and pets give us reasons to move. Whether it is taking the dog for a walk, or changing the litter box, or riding the horse, pets require some activity. Activity based on caring for a creature who is dependent on us brings out our altruistic side of our brain and reduces the tendencies in all of us to be self centered. When we take care of innocent others we learn to activate healthy compassion.

6) Pets engage our sense of humor. That is why some of the top rated youtube videos are humorous pet videos. Nothing makes us smile and laugh more than the antics of pets. Laughing is known to boost the immune system and increase the quality of life.

GET HEALTHY! GET A PET!

MORE QUOTES FROM JEN FROM USA TODAY ABOUT ARNOLD

2011-05-19T09:48:00.001-07:00

"There's going to be a very difficult transition for this mother and child who have been unwittingly brought into the limelight," says Jennifer Freed, a marriage, family and child therapist who specializes in teenagers.

The child's life will be forever changed, which Freed calls a "double-edged sword." If he didn't already know who his real father is, that will bring a "shock" to the child, Freed says. Consequently, "doors could open to him that he never had before. Now he's Arnold Schwarzenegger's son. It really is an entire leap of status overnight."

"These are just mind-blowing moments in life," says Gary Neuman, a family therapist and author of Connect to Love. "One of the worst feelings is embarrassment and humiliaition, especially in public. There will be an emotional fallout for the child."

Neuman says the child has been put in an "unfair" situation.

"He's still going to have to go to school and might have to put up with public ribbing," Neuman says. "He's lost his ability to be judged on his own. It's even harder because it comes out of the blue. It's not like he was born to a famous person."

Freed predicts that the child, who had no choice in his parents' decision to keep him a secret, will be well-received by the general public.

"People will pour their sympathy and compassion toward him. He will be the recipient of a lot of love, but he will also have to bear the shadow of an illicit affair."

As for Baena, who will forever be known as the woman who helped rip apart Schwarzenneger and Shriver's marriage, opportunities will arise for her, as well.

"On the good side, it's going to empower this woman to be able to speak out if she chooses to talk about this secret that she's kept for years," Freed says. "That's never a healthy situation for anybody. When we keep a secret, we increase our level of shame and unworthiness. This child has been shrouded with this stigma since Day One, even though it's just now come out."

But now that the secret is out, Baena can take the proper steps forward to heal.

"When a mother gives birth it should be a celebration, but if you have to silence your maternal nature, that's not healthy," she says. "To cut that off because of protection for Arnold, possibly for herself, is also a deep wound in what is usually very celebratory moment in one's life cycle."

Freed and Neuman recommend intensive therapy for all parties involved but especially the child. "Children are extremely resilient," Freed says. "He (or she) can work it out."

Despite Schwarzenegger's behavior, his return to Hollywood probably won't be affected, experts say.

"This is not going to prevent the majority of people from seeing his movies," says Patricia Leavy, associate professor of sociology at Stonehill College in Easton, Mass.

"When there is such a public scandal there is a stain maybe forever, so I don't think people will forget this. But at the end of the day, will this impact whether people see his movies? I don't think so. In a perverse way, it's a lot of free publicity."

Pop Eater columnist Rob Shuter says the scandal could actually help Schwarzenegger's return to the big screen.

"It certainly put him back in the public eye," Shuter says. "It's not as shocking, as it's not something that is out of character. He's made a lot of money by being a guy's guy. ... I think it reinforces his brand."

Shuter says blaming Hollywood for tolerating bad behavior by celebrities is not fair.

"It's the people who buy the tickets who determine if he will be a success or not," Shuter says. "The public has shown that with Mel Gibson; they did not turn out to see The Beaver. We'll have an option" about whether to support Schwarzenegger.

It will probably be awhile before a new Schwarzenegger film hits theaters.

"We'll probably have moved on to our next celebrity scandal or divorce" by then, Shuter says.

Contributing: Andrea Mandell, Maria Puente, Arienne Thompson

WHAT TO DO AFTER COLLEGE BETWEEN JOBS by Jennifer Freed

2011-05-13T18:00:00.001-07:00

WHAT TO DO AFTER COLLEGE BETWEEN JOBS:

1- Learn another language ( people with multiple languages are more employable)

2- Volunteer especially at a place where you will learn a transferable job skill like

a) cooking b) gardening c) administrative assistant d) bookkeeper etc

3-Intern at a friend of your folks business and specifically ask to shadow someone who can teach you something valuable in the work world

4) Create a blog on a new topic and work on it everyday

5) Get more education through city college classes

6) Get fit. Do everything you can to be in the best shape possible. Looking healthy is a bonus when looking for jobs.

7) Visit aging relatives because you have the time and they really need your love and attention

8) Create a 5 year plan and action steps to achieve the plan and take a small step everyday

9) Read, Read, Read, When you are busy at work you have less time to read and reading improves your mind muscles and your vocabulary. A well read person is a more hirable person in many jobs.

10) Keep your living space immaculate and ordered. An organized living environment helps with work habits and clarity.

11) Stay on a sleep cycle that is oriented towards working so the transition will be smooth when you get a job and you will be well rested.

12) Seek friends who are going places and have good jobs so that you can get tips and contacts from them and so you will stay inspired

DO NOT

1) Get wasted every day

2) Watch videos and TV every day

3) Hang out with low life and complain about how unfair life is

4) Spend endless time social networking about inane trivia and gossip

5) Eat junk food and have horrible sleep habits

6) Run home to mommy/daddy and want them to forever take care of you

7) Get into a wretched high drama relationship just to pass the time

ARE YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR?

2011-04-28T09:24:00.001-07:00

Emotional Affairs occur when the primary relationship has become dead or cut off in some way. Often these affairs start up in compensation for some real intimacy at home. Many big life events trigger these affairs as people feel more needy than usual. A death in the family, children coming or going, turning big marker ages 40,50,60, job reentry, school reentry, financial stress, illness etc......... can all be triggers for a change in the primary relationship and an opening for an emotional affair.

SIGNS OF AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR

1- Your friendship has secrets

2- You confide in your friend more than to your spouse

3- You have more excitement to meet/talk with friend than spouse

4- You feel more your self and freer with friend

5- You take better care of yourself before contact with friend

6- You have sexual fantasies about friend

7- You hide the amount of contact you do have from spouse

8-You give your friend special gifts and treats

9- You get into fights with your spouse about your friend

10- You want exclusive time with your friend and you keep your spouse separate from your friend

11- When you think of getting away or taking a day off you think of doing it with your friend and not your spouse

12- You are defensive about your friend's faults to your spouse and get extra heated about any criticism

13- You are feeling more and more distant from your spouse and don't want to deal with it

14- You start talking more to your friend about your problems in your relationship

15- You are much kinder and more forgiving with your friend than your spouse

16- You find yourself telling more and more little lies to your partner

If you can say YES to more than 6 of these signs then odds are you are on the slippery slope to an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. The best remedy is to fully acknowledge the lapse in your primary relationship and turn all attention to repairing the primary intimacy. Everyone needs close friends and close friends are not ever a threat to a truly intimate relationship.

Jennifer Freed Ph.D. Psychotherapist and Educator in Santa Barbara, California

Author of rave reviewed "LESSONS FROM STANLEY THE CAT" a mature audience book published by Penguin.

More To Ponder

2011-04-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

Liberal, Conservative Related to Different Brain Structures

By RICK NAUERT PHD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on April 11, 2011

Emerging research suggests personality traits and even political orientation are linked to preferred use and corresponding size variance of different areas of our brain.

A new study suggests individuals who call themselves liberals are more likely to have brains that have a larger anterior cingulate cortex while conservatives have larger amygdalas.

According to what is known about the functions of those two brain regions, the structural differences are consistent with some reports showing a greater ability of liberals to cope with conflicting information and a greater ability of conservatives to recognize a threat.

The study is found in the online version of Current Biology.

“Previously, some psychological traits were known to be predictive of an individual’s political orientation,” said Ryota Kanai of the University College London. “Our study now links such personality traits with specific brain structure.”

Kanai said his study was prompted by reports from others showing greater anterior cingulate cortex response to conflicting information among liberals.

“That was the first neuroscientific evidence for biological differences between liberals and conservatives,” he explained.

Prior research has suggested that conservatives are more sensitive to threat or anxiety in the face of uncertainty, while liberals tend to be more open to new experiences.

Kanai’s team suspected that such fundamental differences in personality might show up in the brain.

Nevertheless, researchers cannot determine if the size of our brain structures shape personality, or if brain structures are shaped by what an individual experiences and believes over the course of a lifetime.

Further, things are usually more complicated with political views spanning a large spectrum rather than simply liberal or conservative.

“In principle, our research method can be applied to find brain structure differences in political dimensions other than the simplistic left- versus right-wingers,” Kanai said.

Perhaps differences in the brain explain why some people really have no interest in politics at all or why some people line up for Macs while others stick with their PCs. All of these tendencies may be related in interesting ways to the peculiarities of our personalities and in turn to the way our brains are put together.

Still, Kanai cautioned against taking the findings too far, citing many uncertainties about how the correlations they see come about.

“It’s very unlikely that actual political orientation is directly encoded in these brain regions,” he said. “More work is needed to determine how these brain structures mediate the formation of political attitude.”

Source: Cell Press

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HEADING FOR A MENTAL BREAKDOWN?

2011-04-14T08:34:00.001-07:00

Meghan Casserly

GIRL FRIDAY

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When Charlie Sheen jumped off of the sanity train in March in the midst of a highly publicized media circus, much was made about his mental state.

“Charlie Sheen isn’t funny, he’s sick,” the Los Angeles Timeswrote.

Fox News attributed his antics to the “’high’ phase of bipolar disorder.”

In an hour-long special titled Charlie Sheen: Winning?… Or Losing It?TV’s Dr. Drew Pinsky confirmed he believes Sheen should be institutionalized immediately for his “acute psychiatric emergency.”

CLICK HERE FOR TEN SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE HEADED FOR A MENTAL BREAKDOWN

But what if you can relate to what Sheen is going through? Been there? Maybe not the goddesses and tiger blood part, but the sheer nervous tension and on-the-verge-of-sanity of it all. You’re not alone. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 26% of American adults are currently suffering from mental health disorders—18% of us from conditions that are rooted in anxiety. Are we on the verge of a nation-wide mental breakdown?

Many mental health professionals have described it as potential psychosis, a broad term that describes a person who is no longer behaving in accordance with reality. That’s where the term mental breakdown applies, says Robert Epstein, Ph.D., a research psychologist and former editor-in-chief of Psychology Today. “If someone has become psychotic, they’ve more or less had a break from reality.”

But while Sheen’s drug abusing, hotel trashing and ranting behavior were highly publicized, for the Jane and Joe Q. Privates of the world the signs they’re headed for mental distress can be easy to miss. “Charlie Sheen is an externalizer,” says Jennifer Freed, Ph.D., a professor of psychology and therapist based in Santa Barbara, Calif. “His rage, destabilization and mania are all on display. But the vast majority of people are silent sufferers. And as they break down it’s as if they’re becoming more and more invisible.”

CLICK HERE FOR TEN SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE HEADED FOR A MENTAL BREAKDOWN

In the workplace when we see that someone’s mental health is deteriorating, that rarely means they’re going to become psychotic, Epstein points out. Instead, most cases of mental distress at work are a consequence of overload, or an accumulation of stressors that can take a variety of forms. “Maybe they have too much work to do, they’re behind on a project, their boss is abusive, they can’t pay their bills,” he says. “In the workplace stress can build over time and have very dire consequences.”

“There’s no one way that people respond to stress,” says Dave Jennings, Ph.D., a consultant who works with large corporations during transitions or periods of organization change—times when stress can become evident at work. “As a result, it’s often hard to pinpoint when a person’s behavior is really a warning sign.”

The problem, then, is recognizing troubling behavior in yourself and in the people around you to better help yourself deal with compounding stressors before you fall into the black hole of a mental break. Lack of sleep, increased irritability, a change in eating habits or poor focus on task at hand can be indicators that something is amiss. But it’s often easy to miss the link between these problems and your emotional or mental health.

CLICK HERE FOR TEN SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE HEADED FOR A MENTAL BREAKDOWN

This is not to say that people won’t be aware that they are isolating themselves—surely you’d realize if you’re turning down every social event that comes your way. “People do notice what’s happening to themselves,” says Epstein. “They know that they’re not sleeping. But the problem is that they don’t know what it means. People often have no idea what it means or that their behavior might be a sign of something easily treatable and so the result is that they’re not reaching out for help.”

Depending on how far symptoms progress, Epstein warns of a snowball effect as a troubled person notices changes in his or her self–and becomes anxious about it. “That adds stress on top of stress,” he says. “The stress of changing and the awareness of those changes without understanding the meaning can be compounded.” As the stress feeds upon itself, and a person grows increasingly socially isolated, she or he is even less likely to seek help.

“As people become more and more stressed they tend to withdraw into themselves,” says Epstein, who warns that social isolation can be one of the best predictors that someone is headed towards an emotional crisis. It’s a double edged sword, he says, because at the same time that the troubled person is withdrawing, their behavior towards the people in their life can also make them less loveable. How many times can you turn down your coworkers’ invitation to lunch before they stop asking you?

Only so many.

Beyond skipping social occasions, there are other signals you may be giving off in the workplace that should warn colleagues—and yourself—that all is not well. Your once clean desktop is now piled with old newspapers, yesterday’s coffee cups and useless paperwork? “The disorganized mind often shows itself in disorganized surroundings,” Freed says. Take note of your office, and what it could be telling you about your mental stability.

The first step when you notice your behavior is off or your stress levels are rising is to ask for help, doctors and mental health professional uniformly agree, whether from a professional, family member or friend. Epstein also suggests taking advantage of online resources, like doyouneedtherapy.com, a site he’s developed with a series of questions that can help you better understand your mental state. “It doesn’t diagnose you, but it indicates whether or not you should probably consult a therapist or counselor and what you should tell them. It gives you language to use.”

But Freed insists that the second, and possibly the most important, step isto take some personal time to work through the individual items that are causing stress in your life. Whether this is time off from work or simply taking a step back to look at your situation from a different perspective, the time is key to healing before the pressure reaches a boiling point. “Usually this kind of mounting pressure that can lead to an explosion is on people who don’t give themselves permission to take time for themselves. Think of Charlie Sheen,” she cautions. “He never got out of the rat race. And look where he wound up.”

AHA! reaching over 900 teens

2011-04-06T09:37:00.000-07:00

What matters most is that we create a community of not only successful people but people with great character and caring. This is what The Academy of Healing Arts is all about.

Join us in making this world a better and more compassionate place, and a more joyful one too.

www.ahasb.com

Rick Tarnas and John Cleese help AHA! www.ahasb.com

2011-04-06T09:34:00.000-07:00

FIRST EVER PARENT TEEN WORKSHOP AT ESALEN

2011-03-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

Week of July 10-15, 2011

Aha! Parents and Teens Explore How to Be Close and Free

Rendy Freedman & Jennifer Freed

Parenting teenagers is challenging under the best of circumstances, and staying close while doing it is an art form. How do parents set limits, offer guidance, communicate effectively, and still find a way to enjoy their ever-changing teen? How do parents maintain their own joy and ease while caring for the endless needs of their children? How do teens and parents learn from one another non-defensively? The Aha! workshop will create an opportunity for parents and teens to explore the delicate and crucial balance between being buddies and being an inspiring adult and role model.

Participants will:

• Learn about how to appreciate one another’s values and perspectives

• Focus on the dynamic and vital passions of adulthood and adolescence

• Experience exercises that emphasize quality contact between parents and teens

• Discover the art of play again, between the generations

• Explore the tenets of social and emotional intelligence and how they apply to family life

• Share the secrets of staying close through the teen years

The leaders will guide participants through a highly tested and successful program of interactive and creative exercises which will highlight the strengths of the parent/teen bond and offer practical and lasting skills to help navigate the colorful and compelling development of the family during the teen years. This is a precious gift for parents and teens who want to affirm and learn how to be joyously and authentically connected. The workshop is open to teens ages 13–19 and their parents.

CEUs available for MFTs and LCSWs.

Speaking of Stories

2011-03-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

Just saw five actors perform stories at the Center Stage Theater. The spoken word is so glorious without fanfare or
glossification. Just the beautiful meditation on the voice and the writer's words. So retro, so peaceful, so Sunday good.

2011-03-27T10:55:00.000-07:00

Kathy Murdock

Contact

I can recall the first time my children witnessed me paying it forward while in the Starbucks drive through lane. I glanced in my rear view and saw someone who looked rather spent – and it was only eight in the morning. “I’m buying her coffee,” I told my girls, and they looked at me as though I had two heads. Who is she? they wanted to know, craning their necks to look behind us. Why are you doing it? I attempted to explain the pay it forward idea – that you do something good for someone to help them out without expecting anything kind in return. For days they talked about the lady in Starbucks.

Fast forward a year or so and my oldest daughter and I were walking out of a grocery store in California. A homeless man stood outside, in the shade, to escape the heat. We’d just purchased a package of cookies, which my daughter held on to as though they were a life preserver she needed for rough waters. “Let’s give him one of your cookies,” I said. “He might enjoy that.” My daughter looked at me as though I, well, had two heads; then she smiled, took one out, and gave it to me to hand to the man. To this day, three years later, she still talks about this.

I’ve tried to teach my children to do good for others when there is no ‘reward’ attached – nothing monetary, no gifts, no tangibles. I want them to learn the concept of being good to others, and how that can make you feel. We try to use this concept each day in our home with chores. We do them because it helps the family as a whole. We try to do this by using kind words, by adopting a child at Christmas, by giving our gently used items to a shelter for women and abused children.

So when the tsunami struck Japan, I decided to work with them on a goal that we could set for raising money to send to Red Cross – money that could be used for those that had lost everything they’d had in life. The catch this time – I wanted them to be in charge of what it is they want to do.

I love what Dr. Susan Kuczmarski, Ed.D. and author of the book “The Sacred Flight of the Teenager: A Parent’s Guide to Stepping Back and Letting Go,” wrote to me during my research for this post. She said, “Acts of service and kindness free us and our children from self-imposed me-focused lives by widening our circles of compassion.” So true, and so easy to do. To children, the world is about me. I want this, I want that, why does Suzie have this and I don’t? Getting them to understand that many people have less than they have is important, I believe, in raising well rounded adults who care and understand about others.

My girls are young, and at first they didn’t understand the idea that we would raise money to give away. “Can we buy toys with the money we make?” was one question, followed by, “You mean we’re giving all the money we make away?” We looked at the less graphic pictures of Japan – of houses in rubble, of people standing on the street with nothing but the clothes they wore. Then they understood that what we were doing would help these people.

Dr. Jennifer Freed, a psychology professor and the co-founder of Aha! , a non profit serving 1000 teens and their families, says, “It is a fact that the single best predictor of being good with people in work, love, and life is the ability to have empathy. Empathy is something we can learn and can be fostered early.” It is, she goes on to say, the most important tool in getting along with others and, therefore, having a successful life.

So how do we teach our children to be empathetic of others?

We must show kindness to others. Make respect a factor in your home life by encouraging children to use kind words and do good things for family members. Help them understand we work together as a team for the good of everyone.

Model respect as you speak to your friends, family members, and strangers in the grocery store. Remember, your children pick up everything you do and say – and they will in turn copy that. If you are having a bad day and a bad trip to the grocery store, don’t take it out on the cashier. Think about how you would feel if the words you were saying to someone else were coming from your child’s mouth.

Expose your children to giving back. Dr. Kuczmarski says, “Children/teens can give of their work, energy, time and support.” Many schools have community service programs as part of the curriculum, she adds, which expose children to the importance of giving to others. “Examples include assisting in soup kitchens, reading to the blind, volunteering at hospitals, helping with physical rehabilitation needs, and tutoring younger kids with their homework.” We can encourage this by taking them to work with community service programs or, in my case, setting up a lemonade stand, letting them do all the work, and giving their funds to an organization that helps those in need.

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YUM IT IS TIME TO EAT!!!!!!

2011-03-24T09:57:00.000-07:00

Caviar Appetizer by Dr. Jennifer Freed

Written on February 11, 2011 by Angela Wilson in Appetizers

Dr. Jennifer Freed

When celebrating minor or major events in writing I make sure to mark the milestones with my favorite California accented caviar appetizer. I have used this appetizer to motivate me to finish a paragraph as well as to salute the publishing of a book. The ingredients are portable too and have traveled in ice chests to faraway cabins. Occasionally you may even have this appetizer to whet the imagination, and the tongues of the muses.

This appetizer goes best with a dry bubbly and some raucous salutations about good times coming, and copious blessings of some earnest endeavor. It also helps to have luscious and sensuous music in the background as you prepare the appetizer i.e. Latin groove, soft jazz, or African beat.

It is simple to make, however this treat never fails to delight the most cynical and hesitant celebrants.

Caviar Appetizers

Ingredients (ratios are entirely up to the chef’s palette)

Decent Black Caviar or Salmon Roe

Thin sliced avocado wedges

Finely chopped hard boiled eggs

Minced red onions

Sourdough toast points

A dollop of sour cream

Arrange the toppings artfully on the sourdough toast points and experience the burst of piquant with the mellow calming of avocado, and do raise the glass with each bite. Try to be sparing on the amount of bubbly you drink with each nibble because there have been times when this appetizer turned into a heady and delirious debauchery followed by embarrassing dancing, and going to sleep way too early.

The trick of true pleasure is to savor the smallest increments of joy with a ritual of gratefulness. When you mix the heights of caviar with the humbleness of bread and eggs you realize that all creative jubilation comes from hard patient work and the boldness of reaching towards the heavens. Now get to work and plan for the next ritual of indulgence!

About the Author

For more than 25 years, Jennifer Freed, Ph.D., has been a licensed marriage and family counselor, group psychotherapist and educator. She was the Clinical Director at PACIFICA GRADUATE INSTITUTE, one of the country’s leading centers for depth psychology, where she continues to serve as a professor and workshop leader.
Dr. Freed is a recognized expert on behavioral matters such as teen bullying, character development, marriage and family relationships, and diversity issues. She has provided thousands with the practical tools to compassionately reassess personal behaviors and make significant life changes.

National media appearances include GOOD MORNING AMERICA, NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO, ABC NEWS, FOX NEWS, SIRRIUS RADIO, AIR AMERICA, USA TODAY, DISNEY.COM, LIFESCRIPT.COM, and others. Jennifer Freed currently hosts the popular radio program FREED UP! on Voice America.

Jennifer Freed is the co-founder/director of the highly successful teen program called THE ACADEMY OF HEALING ARTS (AHA!), which serves more than 1000 families annually in the state of California. AHA! is dedicated to the development of character, imagination, emotional intelligence, and social conscience in teenagers , while helping them set goals, support their peers, and serve their community. For The Academy of Healing Arts, Dr. Freed created the educational book series “BECOME YOUR BEST SELF”, which includes workbooks on Relationship Wisdom, Character, Compassion and Creative Expression, targeted to teens and young adults.

DIVORCE CANDY ARTICLE ON SAFER SEX!!! YES

2011-03-24T09:54:00.000-07:00

by Norine Dworkin Daniels

You’ve sifted through thousands of online profiles, gone on dozens of first dates, drank barrels of house chardonnay and made hours of small talk. Your reward for persevering? Meeting a guy – finally! – worth putting on the fancy lingerie for … with high expectations that he’ll be peeling it off later in the evening.

But before you slide between his (hopefully clean) sheets, ask yourself: Are you safe?And we don’t mean in the Will he turn out to be a closet psycho? sense. Are you being safe about, you know … sex? Do you even remember safe sex?

If you were married for a couple of decades, no doubt it’s been awhile since you had to enforce the No Glove, No Love rule, since you probably think babies not herpes when you think about protection. And if you persuaded your husband to get snipped once your family was complete, chances are it’s been ages since you even thought about that.

But once you’re divorced, dating and mating is a whole different ballgame. For starters, if you were relying on vasectomy, you may need to rethink your birth control method. Though the likelihood of pregnancy drops dramatically once you hit your early forties, it’s not zero. Fortysomething women actually have one of the higher rates of unintended pregnancies, after teens and women in their twenties, according to the Alan Guttmacher Institute.

Beyond fear of the Whoops! baby, you also need to think about protecting yourself from sexually transmitted diseases. And that means carrying condoms. Which women of a certain age aren’t so great about using. New data from the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction in Bloomington, Indiana, show that when it comes to casual sex, fortysomething women use condoms far less frequently than gals in their twenties, thirties and even teenagers. Fewer than 20 percent of fortysomething women in the Kinsey Institute study insisted on condoms during their last casual encounter.

“Women think I’m on the Pill, I’m good to go. But you’re not,” says Los Angeles psychologist and HIV/STD researcher Ramani Durvasula, PhD. “That’s the least of your worries.”

Here’s why: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimate that there are about 19 million new STD infections each year. Today, one in six people between the ages of 14 and 49 have genital herpes; one in nine if we’re just counting guys. Plus, there are other STDs circulating that may not have even been on your radar the last time you were single: Things like human papillomavirus (HPV), now linked to cervical and throat cancers, and syphilis, which has been making a steady comeback – women’s rates jumped 88 percent between 2004 and 2008, then dipped a bit last year. Complicating matters, those who have an STD don’t always tell – even when asked. That’s mostly out of fear or embarrassment, notes Durvasula. But – giving folks the benefit of the doubt here – it’s also possible that people don’t realize they’re carrying a virus. Many STDs, like Chlamydia, HPV, even herpes, are often asymptomatic, particularly in men, who then unwittingly, pass it on.

“A man is much more likely to pass an STD to a woman than the other way round because women are the receptive partner,” explains Durvasula. “Most sexually transmitted diseases are passed through abrasion, and it’s the vaginal walls getting rubbed during intercourse. Men don’t get abraded; women do, which is why they’re far more vulnerable to STDs across the board.”

It’s a sexually sketchy world out there. But since celibacy is hardly an appealing option either, keep these things in mind … and some condoms in your nightstand.

Remember, anyone can have an STD.

The viruses and bacteria that cause STDs don’t discriminate based on how many graduate degrees a man has, the salary he earns, the car he drives or the country club he belongs to. “There’s this huge myth that STDs are on the fringes of society,” says Austin family physician Jill Grimes, MD, author of Seductive Delusions: How Everyday People Catch STDs. “Women think that CEOs, accountants, doctors or lawyers aren’t the kind of people who get STDs.”

They do. And so do folks in your own social circle. After her divorce, Jane Fowler dated someone she’d known for decades. He gave her HIV. “You can never know the sexual history of anyone but yourself,” warns Fowler, who founded HIV Wisdom For Older Woman and the National Association on HIV Over Fifty after her diagnosis. “I thought I knew the man who infected me so well. Obviously I didn’t.”

Don’t believe everything he tells you.

Guys have been known to fudge a bit on their height, employment history, marital status. Take his sexual history with a boatload of salt, too. “Too many women have gotten sexually transmitted diseases because they believed the guy who said I haven’t been with anyone for two years, and I’ve been tested,” says Jennifer Freed, PhD, a marriage and family therapist in Santa Barbara, California. “Don’t assume the guy you’ve just met is telling the truth. Why take the risk?”

Indeed, when Emory University researchers surveyed 14,000 adults recently, they found that more than 10 percent of those testing positive for STDs denied being sexually active in the last year; half swore they’d never had a sexual encounter.

Given the all-too-common urge to stay mum, you might Google a potential lover and see what you dig up. “Three different friends of mine recently Googled guys they’d started dating and found past girlfriends who’d posted Do not sleep with So-And-So, he gave me herpes warnings on the Internet,” says Dr. Grimes.

Condoms are not 100 percent protective.

We put a lot of faith in condoms and with good reason. When it comes to STDs, they’re “the best protection we have,” notes Durvasula. And when they’re used correctly, condoms do a “really good job” at preventing STDs transmitted by semen and vaginal secretions, like gonorrhea, Chlamydia, trichomoniasis and HIV, says Dr. Grimes. But STDs like HPV and herpes are transmitted by skin-to-skin contact. Since it’s possible to have herpes on the base of the penis or even on the thighs, sometimes a condom just isn’t enough. “Unless guys wear a condom that covers their entire boxer shorts region, you can’t prevent 100 percent transmission,” says Dr. Grimes. “Condoms decrease HPV and herpes transmission, but they don’t eliminate it.”

You can get herpes without an outbreak.

Perhaps the biggest misconception about herpes is that unprotected sex is safe as long as your partner doesn’t have an outbreak. Let’s just call that out as pure fiction right now. With herpes, the virus is always present and “sheds” even when there are no lesions. Now, what makes this STD particularly tricky, says Durvasula, is that many people who have herpes never experience an outbreak and won’t know they’re infected unless they get a blood test. “But they can still transmit the virus.”

“The likelihood of transmission is highest when you have an active outbreak, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible when you don’t,” confirms Ashlyn Savage, MD, assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Medical University of South Carolina in Charleston. “People shed the virus when they’re not having an active outbreak.”

And if getting an ever-lasting STD isn’t reason enough to be careful, know that having herpes ups the risk for HIV as well.

Oral sex carries some risk too.

We’d like to think that oral sex is somehow safer than intercourse … or that, thanks to some slippery Clintonian syntax, it’s not even really sex. But regardless of where you stand on the Is/Isn’t debate, oral sex can expose you to gonorrhea, genital herpes and HPV just as sex down under does. In fact, studies now show that the same strains of HPV that cause cervical cancer also cause certain types of throat cancers. Cancer researchers are blaming the steep increase – some are calling it an epidemic – in tonsil cancer over the last decade on oral HPV infections. In a study done at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, people with HPV were 32 times as likely to develop tonsil cancer as those without. That study also found that having one to five oral sex partners in your sexual history nearly quadrupled the cancer risk while six or more partners boosted risk more than eight times.

Come prepared.

It’s awkward to ask someone about his STD status. But if you’re not absolutely certain you’re the only partner on your guy’s dance card, you really don’t want to wait till you’re tangled together in bed to pop the Don’t we need a condom? question. “When you’re aroused, the adrenaline is flowing, the endorphins are going, and your rational thinking falls apart a bit,” says Miami therapist Lisa Paz, PhD. “You may not make the best health decisions.”

Save yourself the post-coital anxiety by making gloving up non-negotiable – at least until both your STD tests come back clean. “The only way you’re ever 100 percent sure that you and your partner are out of the woods is if you’re both monogamous with each other for six months and you’re tested on the front end and tested on the back end,” says Durvasula.

DIVORCED AND FIGHTING?

2011-03-10T07:47:00.000-08:00

ESTRANGEMENT ENGAGEMENT - FEB 21, 2011 DIVORCE CANDY ***** I AM QUOTED IN THIS ARTICLE

By: Norine Dworkin-McDaniel

You’re probably a pro at fighting with your ex. Perhaps he’s given you years, decades even, of opportunities to practice. Which is no doubt why the two of you are now separated or divorced. And if you can agree to disagree, split your property amicably and stroll away clean with a heart-felt Have a good rest of your life, well then, more power to you. But if you’re like so many couples who divorce, there will still be things that bind you together – children, a business, property, family – even as your marriage dissolves. Inevitably that means communicating … which can become arguing … which can lead to dredging up every bit of nastiness, wrongdoing, disappointment and anger that ultimately drove you apart. And before you know it, you’re going at each other like a pair of ultimate fighters.

The thing is, knock-down-drag-outs may make you feel better in the moment, but they’re not terribly productive. And once you no longer have the love, affection, friendship or even makeup sex to smooth over your differences, you need to fight more strategically so you come away with most of what you’re fighting for. So, whether you’re divvying up credit card debt, working out a co-parenting agreement, pushing for more alimony or simply sorting out who gets custody of the dog and the Mad Men DVDs, relationship experts say that by following these rules of engagement (or estrangment), your “discussions” with your ex will net you more results and a lot less angst.

Rule 1

Never fight in front of the kids. If all you share with your ex is a well-worn futon and a Netflix queue, then skip ahead to Rule 2. But if you do have children together, consider this one of the holiest of divorce commandments. “Never … ever … ever…” emphasizes Jennifer Freed, PhD, MFT, a marriage and family therapist in Santa Barbara, California. “There is nothing more tortuous to a child’s psyche than being in the middle of parental conflict. It splits them emotionally. If they love Dad, are they betraying Mom? If they love Mom, are they betraying Dad? It’s King Solomon’s dilemma but with a child’s psyche. And that makes a child feel terribly unsafe and insecure.” That said, the next time you’re tempted to mix it up with your ex because he’s bringing your child home late on a school night … again, you gotta mom up and put your kid ahead of your anger. You can always give your ex an earful later.

Rule 2

Remember who you’re dealing with. If your guy was intractable before your divorce, there is no reason to expect that your interactions will be less volatile once the judge signs your divorce decree. “Don’t go into any discussion thinking your ex is going to be any different than he ever was,” warns Dr. Freed. “You have nothing at stake emotionally, and the bad communication patterns that led to distance and divorce typically get more aggravated without the emotional attachments. If you have children or finances in common, before you even start the conversation, it’s important to anticipate adversity and consider what his issues might be.”

Rule 3

You set the communication parameters. When you dictate (subtly) when, where and how your communication takes place – in person, on the phone, via email or text – you’ll be ready and able to approach the discussion calmly, so you can get in and get out with minimal drama. “Conversations can quickly go from Can we swap weekends? to You can’t stick to a schedule! You never respect my time!” explains Miami marriage and family therapist Lisa. Paz, PhD. “It’s really important that you’re in the head space to address the issue at hand, so your discussion doesn’t spiral into an argument about everything that was ever wrong in your relationship.”

If your ex catches you off-guard, resist being pulled into a discussion on the spot. Buy some time so you can mentally prepare. “If you’re not ready for the interaction, say Hey, now’s not a good time, let me get back to you by ______. Maybe that’s 15 minutes from now or an hour or tomorrow,” says Dr. Paz. “That way, you’re mentally in the zone and won’t be so reactive.”

Some ex-couples schedule weekly phone calls for an update about the kids. But, at least initially, it might be better to hash out potentially contentious issues through email rather than face to face or even on the phone. “Changing your mode of communication can really help,” says Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist in Mount Kisco, New York. “I have two female clients who will never get on the phone with their exes unless it’s an emergency because there’s something about hearing their exes’ voices that really sets them off. But by not having to actually speak with their ex-spouses, they’ve been able to let go of a lot of their anger.”

Another benefit of email: it can slow the communication process enough so that you won’t feel rushed or bullied into making a snap decision you later regret. And keep in mind, even though we’re living in the instant messaging age, you’re not obligated to respond that quickly. If your initial knee-jerk reaction is to fire off a vitriolic email telling your ex exactly where he can stick his demand to, say, completely overhaul your painstakingly devised visitation schedule, pour it all out in an email. But then sleep on it before you hit Send. In the morning, you can probably dial down the snark and send a more reasoned, measured reply. “In my women’s group, I have women write what they wish they could say to get all of their anger out,” says Dr. Freed. “Then they can go to the table and in a sense, turn the other cheek.”

Rule 4

Don’t DUI. Dialing or texting or IM’ing, basically any contact, in person or virtual, while you’re under the influence “will not go well and don’t kid yourself about that,” cautions O’Neill. The probability is high that you’ll say something you’ll be sorry for later … and perhaps not even remember. “Unless it’s an emergency, it’s best not to have any kind of conversations with your ex through any kind of technology if you’ve been drinking or indulging in anything else,” advises O’Neill.

Rule 5

Role play with a friend. There’s a reason politicians drill and drill before big TV debates – that way they can’t get shaken off message and led down the rabbit hole of someone else’s crazy agenda. Borrowing a page from the politician’s playbook can help you stick with your own talking points so you don’t get drawn into arguments you don’t want to have. Work with a therapist or friend to rehearse the various ways a difficult conversation might unfold. Even do a few run-throughs where you scream everything you’ve ever wanted to scream at your ex to get it out of your system, says Dr. Freed. “It’s not productive to bring your rage into the conversation, so you need to vent and spill that somewhere else, get acknowledged for all that you’ve put up with and then really be strategic,” she explains. “The whole point of even talking with your ex is because there’s something you want. You need to be an expert negotiator, which means you need to not be so heated up.”

Rule 6

Do five minutes of aerobic exercise before any discussion. Get on your treadmill, race up and down your stairs, pop in a cardio dance DVD – anything you like, as long as you push yourself to the max. Vigorous aerobic exercise burns off the cortisol and other stress hormones, like norepinephrine and adrenaline, that rush through our veins when emotions run high. Exercise also increases levels of the calming neurochemicals serotonin and dopamine, so you don’t feel as nervous and you can think more clearly and rationally, explains Dr. Freed.

Rule 7

Find common ground. Sure, there are plenty of good reasons that you’re no longer together. But unless he’s an abusive psycho stalker guy – in which case your attorney should handle any necessary communications – you can probably find something you both still agree on, particularly if you have children. For instance, say, your daughter isn’t doing her homework when she’s at your ex’s house. Rather than accusing your ex of being a slacker dad, Dr. Freed suggests this tack: “Start with the three things you have in common on this issue: We love our kid. We’re committed parents. We want her to do well in school. Right there you have interest instead of defensiveness,” she explains. You’ve also avoided the Blame Game and in acknowledging a shared challenge – We both experience this problem, so we need to figure this out together – you’ve forged an alliance with your most natural ally. Because face it, even if you didn’t work as spouses, you’re still parents. And no one will love your child the way the other person who had a hand in creating her does.

Rule 8

Keep it civil. Maybe he is an asshole. That’s why you divorced him. But is telling him that (again and again) going to entice him to agree to whatever it is you’re asking for – swapping weekends with the kids, picking up the tab for Li’l Suzy’s braces, finally putting your beach condo on the market? Unlikely. So … remember what your grandma always said about catching more flies with honey. “If you call him an inconsiderate bastard, he’s not going to say, You’re right. Thank you so much for pointing that out. But whatever you were really approaching him about in the first place will get thrown out the window, and any agreement you could have reached is further away,” says Dr. Paz.

Rule 9

Stay focused. “Continually take inventory during your conversation to make sure you stick to the issue at hand,” advises Dr. Paz. That way you avoid getting sucked into a negative free-for-all where you’re just spinning your wheels, rehashing ancient history. “It’s one thing to put up with unproductive disagreements in your relationship. But you shouldn’t have to with your ex,” says Dr. Paz. “You’re done, the relationship is over. Now it’s just logistics. Your dealings should be as pointed and as focused and productive as possible. Get in and get out.”

Rule 10

Identify your (rock) bottom line. No one gets 100 percent of what they ask for. And that includes your ex. So the idea is to figure out in any given disagreement, what’s the least you’re willing to settle for and still feel good about the terms. “If you want to walk away from a fight or disagreement feeling good then it can’t just be that you didn’t throw daggers at each other,” says Dr. Paz. “If you walk away feeling so dissatisfied with the interaction, then that too is an unfair fight. But if you walk away getting your lowest bare minimum, then you won, for you.”

Rule 11

Bail out rather than melt down. When the fighting gets supremely nasty, most of us cease to be rational, reasonable, logical beings. Literally. Once the fight or flight response gets triggered, flooding our bodies and brains with stress chemicals, the instinctive, emotional part of our brain – aka “lizard brain” – takes over, and we actually revert to a more primitive state where it’s all about survival, explains Dr. Freed. Reason is abandoned. Compromise is abandoned. And nothing cooperative will ever come of that. “Once you cross over into a certain rage place, you’ve activated a part of your brain that’s no longer rational,” says Dr. Paz. “If you recognize that your blood is boiling, you’re starting to sweat, your heart is palpitating or you’re getting that really revved up feeling and starting to get nuts, don’t be afraid to get out of the fight and say, You know what? I’ve got to run or I’ve got to take this other call; let’s revisit this later. And if it means telling a white lie to get off the phone, do it.”

In fact, Dr. Freed recommends jotting down several Get Off the Phone Quick Excuses on index cards and have them at the ready in case tensions escalate. A few to use:

School’s calling, gotta go.

Toilet’s overflowing, I’ll phone you back.

FedEx’s at the door and they need a signature. Let’s pick this up in 20.

It takes a full 20 minutes for those stress hormones to dissipate and your brain to calm down, according to Dr. Freed. In the meantime, take some deep breaths. Step outside. Go for a run. When your head’s cooler and you’ve regained your equilibrium, you can get ready for round two.

12 ways to get over it

2011-01-16T11:26:00.001-08:00

2 Ways to Heal from Divorce

When your relationship is over, it’s hard to get used to solo life. Read on for expert advice on how to recover after any kind of divorce…

“I want a divorce.”

Those are easily four of the most devastating words a wife can hear. Divorce can leave you depressed, lonely, financially strapped and wondering, Now what?

“Initially, you feel like you’re never going to get through because you’re just so turned upside down,” says Vikki Stark, MSW, a Canadian family therapist and author of Runaway Husbands (Green Light Press), whose own husband of 20-plus years left her without warning. “But the chaos won’t last forever.”

It usually takes about two years after a divorce to feel normal again, Stark says.

During those 24 months, there are ways that help women heal, including talking out feelings, taking classes and even dating again.

Here are 12 tips to help rebuild your life:

1. Let yourself grieve.
The breakup of a marriage is like a death, so it’s natural to mourn the life and lifestyle you’ve lost – even if you wanted the split.

That’s because “there’s fragmentation and a vacuum where there once was order and routine,” says Jennifer Freed, Ph.D., a marriage and family therapist in Santa Barbara, Calif.

So take time to lie in bed eating ice cream, she says. But only a short while.

“It takes about half the time you were in a relationship to fully mourn the loss,” Freed says. “Let go bit by bit.”

2. Keep a journal.
Writing about your emotional struggles may reduce some pain.

It helped people with post-traumatic stress disorder, according to a 2008 Syracuse University study. Participants wrote either about their distress or a neutral topic for three months. Those who’d written about disturbing experiences showed a significant improvement in their moods and responses to memories of what happened.

If nothing else, journaling every few days tracks your healing.

“It provides perspective in a clear, simple way,” says Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Mount Kisco, N.Y. “Look where I was, and where I am now. You can inspire yourself.”

3. Lean on friends.
Rely on close friends to prevent you from doing anything stupid or rash, like drunk dialing your ex, slashing his tires, posting nasty things to Facebook or harassing his new girlfriend.

“When people get hurt, they don’t think rationally and do really crazy things,” Freed says. “Your posse will keep you from falling off the edge.”

4. Seek professional support.
Girlfriends who’ll let you sob on their shoulders and sleep on their couch when you can’t face being alone are true treasures. But for figuring out how to jump-start your new life, it’s better to talk with a therapist or spiritual advisor.

“It’s hard to get motivated about life on your own,” O’Neill says. “Divorce is a process, and having a professional outline one that fits you is useful.”

5. Reinvent yourself.
When you’ve been one half of a couple, losing that role can make you question who you are.

“The we doesn’t exist anymore, so you need to connect with your individual identity,” says Miami marriage and family therapist Lisa Paz, Ph.D.

How? For starters, list the things you like about yourself that are separate from your former role as wife, Paz advises. What are your strengths and unique attributes? When are you at your best? What do you value about yourself?

“These questions can start you on the next chapter in your life,” Paz says.

6. Make new friends.
After your divorce, you may feel like the odd woman out in a paired-up world. In fact, your married girlfriends may not want to spend as much time with you.

“Two of my [female] clients were told by [married friends] that they didn’t want them around because their husbands might get interested in them,” Freed says.

That’s why you’ll need new single friends.

“You’re part of a different social pool now, so surround yourself with similar people,” Paz says.

Besides, hanging out with new people means less time spent on painful memories and feelings.

“The more time invested in negativity about the ex means less time spent working on what’s possible,” Freed says. “Women need to vent – it’s an important part of healing – but [avoid] people who keep recycling that.”

7. Start dating again.
Flattering male attention is a great way to reinflate a bashed-up ego.

“Dating replenishes your social network,” Paz says.

How do you know if it’s too early to put yourself out there?

“If it feels good, it’s not too soon,” she says.

So ask friends for fix-ups. Or go online to a few reputable dating sites, which offer a sea of bachelors.

Just keep it light and have fun. You don’t need to find a soul mate, just someone pleasant for dinner and a movie.

8. Get back your groove.
Once you’re dating, there’s the possibility of sex – a prospect that’s both exciting and frightening, especially if you’ve been intimate only with your husband or it has been years since you were in a singles world.

You may feel old, have let yourself go or faked orgasms while you were married.

“Many women tell me they’re afraid to be naked with someone else, especially if they were shocked by the divorce and never saw it coming,” O’Neill says.

The first step: Get reacquainted with your body.

“Start by taking long baths, reminiscing about past sexual pleasures or fantasizing about what a new partner might do,” O’Neill advises. “If you haven’t masturbated in a long time, take it slow to discover what kinds of touch and rhythms lead to orgasm.”

If you run into problems with arousal or orgasm, relax. About 10% of women have difficulty achieving orgasm, according to studies. Bring it up with your gynecologist or see a sex therapist to find the problem and resolve it.

9. But take it slow.
It can be tempting to bed someone new right away, if only to prove you’re still desirable. But take precautions.

First, always use condoms to ward off sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy. (Though baby-making odds shrink with age, fortysomething women have the second-highest rate of unintended pregnancy after teens.)

Also, remember that casual sex rarely soothes what really hurts.

“Women sometimes take sexual risks to boost self-esteem, but women ultimately need men to care about them – not just their bodies,” Freed says.

10. Get smart with finances.
Even if you paid the bills while you were married, get up to speed on money matters – fast.

“Taking charge of money is key to feeling in charge again,” Freed says.

Here are two ways to get started:

Take city-college or adult-education classes in personal finance management.

Join an investment club, where members pool their resources to invest in the stock market. Find a club near you through the National Association of Investors Corp. (a.k.a. the Better Investing Community), a nonprofit organization that teaches people how to navigate the stock market.

11. Make a bucket list.
Sure, divorce creates a vacuum. But it also offers the opportunity to rediscover old – and new – interests that you let go when you were married.

“In any relationship, no matter how good, we give up parts of ourselves,” Freed says. “Now it’s all about you. What do you want to experience before you pass away?”

Women often rebound from divorce into fulfilling lives, says Stark, who heard from hundreds of women about their divorces through her Sudden Wife Abandonment Project.
“They rebuilt [their lives] in ways they had never imagined,” Stark says. “They went back to school, traveled, remodeled their homes and started careers.”

12. Celebrate being single.
When you’ve come out of the divorce darkness, celebrate the occasion. Take a trip with girlfriends, kids or by yourself if you can afford it. Or throw a “divorce shower” to recoup stuff you lost in the split.

“Divorce is a process of going through and coming out the other side,” O’Neill says. “A celebration marks that you’re moving forward with your new life.”

Can You Survive a Divorce?
A divorce can be a tumultuous time of financial and emotional strain. Feelings are hurt, financial support and security are changing, and a complete lifestyle alteration occurs during and after divorce. Are you able to survive a divorce and come out stronger?

Can you feel the EMERGENCE?

2011-01-08T16:26:00.000-08:00

AS THE PLANETS CONJOIN IN A SYNCHRONY OF POSSIBILITY

may you find a creative outlet that promises you more pleasure and freedom

may you find a person to touch who relishes your unique loving

may you speak up on behalf of someone who needs your support

2010-12-29T08:44:00.000-08:00

Women & High(er) Risk Adventures

2010-12-27T11:00:00.000-08:00

1. These days, women are used to kicking but and taking risks in many aspects of their lives. How would you say this increased confidence relates to the increase in riskier behavior?

Confidence can lead to over-confidence when women are pressured to believe that bigger is better. If you can jump off this rock; how about that higher bridge? If pulling an all-nighter with “just a little help” is a piece of cake, of course you can go three days without sleep!

It is natural for us to try harder things once we have mastered something at a basic level—but at a certain point, even the most well-trained woman needs to stop and ask herself if the challenge is worth the risk.

How does confidence factor into it?
Confidence is a precursor to boldness. First we build confidence by accomplishing what we set out to do and receiving acknowledgement and admiration; then we can get "COCKY." If we imagine that by doing something even more difficult and riskier we will gain even more social status and respect, that’s not confidence, it’s hubris.

2. So many things in the U.S. are so tightly regulated and policed that it may make women take their personal safety for granted. But this isn’t always the case in the U.S., and often isn’t the case in other countries where laws are far more lax. How does this blanket assumption that "it must be fine" factor into potentially dangerous situations?

If there is no warning sign saying “DANGEROUS” or “CAUTION,” then women who have grown up relying on these warnings may assume that the place or activity without the sign is presumptively SAFE. A high speed / hanging rollercoaster or bungee cord site in a foreign country or extreme location could be a death trap. If there are no waivers to sign and no apparent safety warnings, a woman may not consider that NO SIGNS could mean NO SAFETY CHECKS, and naively believe it’s a tried and true safe bet. That could be a huge mistake.

3. Women need to step back and do the research before setting off on these adventures. What other advice or tips would you offer to help women better protect themselves and lower some of the danger?

Ask around before attempting anything you don't really know about. Check in with locals for the best and worst stories they can remember about the activity you are considering. Always find out who has done this activity before and what did they experience. One drunk recounting does not equal a legitimate source! When considering a blood rushing feat make sure you have a night to "sleep on it," and that you are "stone cold sober." There is no high risk act that is better done on impulse. Don't let your ego direct the show, and make sure your intentions are for your own pleasure and excitement instead of trying to prove something to someone else.

4. How much would you say peer pressure is involved with doing risky things? Are women being influenced by their friends and, moreover, their boyfriends? (Remember, this is a Cosmo story, so boy and boyfriends must factor in!)

Women are egged on by their friends and boyfriends who want to see a great show. Why not?
When all your instincts say no, but his eyes tell you "GO FOR IT," make sure that you have time to consider the short term benefits and the possible long term consequences.

I know a girl who chugged 10 shots of tequila in 10 minutes on a dare from her hot guy, only to be rushed to the ER from toxic alcohol poisoning. I know another gal who hang glided off the edge of a cliff because her guy was doing it, even though she didn't really feel that well that day. She broke her neck and was in recovery for two years.

Another woman who shoplifted for her boyfriend because he thought it was super sexy, ended up being raided in her home on Valentines day and spending the night locked up behind bars. Another friend went down a double black diamond because she didn't want to seem like a wimp and ended up with a leg fractured in two places.

Doing IT just because HE WANTS ME TO is not a good plan. Remember, any guy who truly LIKES YOU will like you whether or not you jump out of an airplane. If he wants you to be thrilling so he can be turned on, you probably can't keep that up anyway. A real man wants his woman to be happy and safe, not risky and dumb.

5. What advice would you give women in these "influenced by my guy" situations? How do you catch themselves when being be swayed by their boyfriend?

First, be aware of the tendency, and learn to think on your feet. Have your most sage friends on speed dial or text-ready when considering a doubtful risk. It is always a good idea to check in with “the sane committee” before making any big decisions.

How do they stand up for themselves and their boundaries without feeling like a buzzkill?

A buzzkill may actually be a badge of honor once you realize that saying YES just to be popular is truly the cowardly thing to do. It takes real ovaries to value your own sense of things over anyone's temporary flattery or attention.

6. What about so-called adrenaline daters--people who are excited by danger? Any advice on how to handle?

If he always needs to get off with some adrenaline surge, he is most likely going to be a serial dater, or a regular visitor to the ER. Guys or gals who need to stay HIGH to feel anything are suffering from mind baffling numbness and will seek more dangerous activities to keep upping the ante. If what you’re looking for is intimacy, you won’t find it in adrenaline daters. They’re desperately looking for something or someone to take them out of their mortal bodies, and out of this world—and that's just not a place for lovers to find lasting satisfaction.

LET IT SNOW

2010-12-27T08:43:00.000-08:00

DID SANTA GET CARRIED AWAY?

Does First Love Last? by Jennifer Freed

2010-12-23T09:15:00.000-08:00

The lessons of first love last forever. Everyone will tell you that you never forget your first love. Most of us feel like when we fall in love for the first time that it will be eternal. We are innocent. We are idealistic. We are overcome with the profound emotions that accompany truly loving another person. We even can feel like no one has ever felt this way before.

The truth is that is rare for a love relationship that begins in High School to endure for a lifetime.

Why?

Our brains are not fully formed till we are about 25 years old and our growth and reproductive hormones are raging during our teen years. Together this combination provides a drug like concoction of fantasy, lust, and unchained romanticism. In other words we are not yet able to use all our best judgment; we are charged with chemistry that is out of this world; and we are feeling invincible when it comes to love.

A love relationship that lasts needs:

1) A balanced and mature mind 2) A connection that goes beyond chemistry (because that first divine charge fades with time no matter what) 3) An ability to work through disappointment, loss, and disagreements 4) A shared value system that can grow and change through time 5) The absence of addictions, violence, and

dishonesty

Is it wrong to believe your love is so special and beautiful that it will beat the odds?

No! That belief is a way that we move forward in our lessons in love.

However it is important when completely diving in to consider that it may not last. The minute you get sexually involved with someone you lose objectivity and the ability to make rational assessments about the appropriateness of a romantic partner. The glue of sexual intensity can make anyone seem essential to you, and many people have made damaging decisions based solely on this physical craving. It is hard to believe that superhuman attraction doesn't equal life long compatibility but it doesn't.

If we can tolerate the possibility that this may not work out (emotional maturity and logic) then we can make better decisions based on emotional safety, sexual wisdom, and keeping our friends and worlds intact instead of giving everything to one person.

A relationship can last if we take it slow and really get to know someone deeply.

It takes anywhere from 6 months to 2 years for the LOVE DRUGS of attraction to wear off, or wane. Therefore it really should be about two years before you make any permanent decision to be with anyone. It takes about that long to see the other person clearly without the haze of the intoxicating hormones of romance. If you are aiming for a lifetime with someone then a two-year trial period is no big deal right?

So can FIRST LOVE LAST? Yes if you are willing to go super slow even when your heart is beating extra fast and you are committed to your own balance and growth more than the fantasy of being saved by love. The first love that matters most of all is the one you have for yourself: your integrity, your self worth, your talents and skills, your health and healthy habits, your education, and your future.

This love will never let you down and will last forever, and will be the best gift you can ever offer another person.

WINTER SOLSTICE A TIME TO CELEBRATE SPIRIT

2010-12-21T18:50:00.000-08:00

Here we are at WHITE LOTUS FOUNDATION

We all were graced with a YOGA session from

expert Tracey Rich.

Multigenerational exercise and sacred movement.

Wow!

Freed Up!: For Book Clubs

2010-12-21T18:49:00.000-08:00

Freed Up!: For Book Clubs:

Questions for your book club

How can an animal teach us real lessons without having the "intelligence" of a human?

What lesson has been most relevant for you in reading this book?

If you were to teach one lesson to the world what would it be?

Why does the art add to the text, or inhibit the text of this book?

How does this author and psychotherapist think like you?

What is the main feeling you get from reading the lessons?

What do you intend to change as a result of reading this book?

YOU CAN GET WHAT YOU WANT

2010-12-21T18:40:00.000-08:00

GET the Fast selling book LESSONS FROM STANLEY THE CAT now and YOU CAN HAVE REASONS TO CELEBRATE IMMEDIATELY. Available at your finger clicks amazon, borders, and barnesandnoble.com

Tips For Getting Out of Being SINGLE (If That is What You Want)

2010-12-20T23:00:00.000-08:00

Here are some basic tips to find a boyfriend, girlfriend, or just someone to date.

The number one rule is: You are not interested unless they are.
Do not EVER think you will grow on someone – fungus Grows, not attraction.
Act as if you will get what you want.
Walk like you already have a secret lover who covers you in kisses every opportunity she/he gets
Lead the conversation with authentic compliments.
State the obvious, like: You have a great laugh; or Your eyes are so blue.
Don't unload your entire personal history as sign of interest. This is too much for any one person to hear except your therapist.
Spare people your sob stories unless you want sympathy instead of attraction.
Never date someone who doesn't ask you any thoughtful questions.
Just like a bad car deal, if it doesn't feel right—walk away.
Scarcity is a bad bargaining tool so make sure you have plenty of options for meaningful activities at all times.
Become the person you would want to date in terms of interests, health habits, generosity, financial security, vitality, and kindness (instead of looking for someone to fill in the gaps).

Dr. Jen

FEARLESS - WHAT A TREAT!

2010-12-18T09:01:00.001-08:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/21/science/21obbrain.html

Women loses all fear when part of her brain is removed.

So we have a part of our brain that regulates fear. Without it we are so unafraid that we don't even know when to be afraid.

We might not be frightened of the country going into unimaginable debt by giving more and more benefits to the ultra rich. We might not be afraid of candidates who believe the Civil Rights Act should be repealed. Just think of all the things we would not be scared of?

"In small doses, fear is a good thing -- it keeps us alive," Izquierdo said.

Perhaps enough fear of those who cast this nation in a squall of division and terror is helpful, and less fear of those who simply celebrate diversity would be divine.

KATE BORNSTEIN RADICAL GENDER THEORIST

2010-12-15T09:13:00.000-08:00

Photo by Duncan Badine
http://www.voiceamerica.com/voiceamerica/vshow.aspx?sid=1598

Go here to listen to my interview with outrageously daring and compassionate Kate Bornstein.

Here is the blog www.katebornstein.typepad.com/

I would like to thank Kate for uplifting my heart and challenging me to be more FREE. Kate was a man and became a woman only to discover that being a GENDER THING was not enough. Why do we have to be SOMETHING instead of SOMEONE?

If Man or Woman as a label really helps you feel more of who you are then GO FOR IT!

But if MAN OR WOMAN does not really describe the unlimited sense of YOU then drop the labels and

the postures and become YOURSELF.

Does biology truly imply destiny?

Hmmmm What if we are only enclosed in a body but not confined to it's contours?

Kate talks about doing anything to keep yourself alive if you are feeling suicidal in her book CRUEL WORLD.

I want to take it one step to the left and say WHY NOT CELEBRATE WHO YOU ARE RIGHT NOW, AND PRETEND IF YOU NEED TO THAT YOU ARE EXACTLY THE RIGHT PERSON TO BE YOU. AS my friend EMILIKA once said "WHEN YOU FEEL DOWN JUST CREATE"

There is no better protest to the voices or people who would oppress you then to MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF AND EXPRESS YOURSELF.

Cudos to KATE BORNSTEIN for having the guts and heart to lead the way!

Letting yourself receive

2010-12-14T18:19:00.000-08:00

RECEIVING

Why is it so hard sometimes to let people in? To let things come to us instead of chasing them down?

So many of us want to give and contribute and yet sometimes that can become a way to keep others from giving to us. Sometimes our giving becomes a way of life and we become shocked when others are selfish and preoccupied with personal gain.

What if all the givers in the world believed that everyone had something to give them?

What if all the takers in the world couldn't find someone who would just give to them endlessly?

What if everyone knew that they were worth as much as the next guy/gal regardless of outer achievements and status ?

Just take a moment right now to refrain from measuring up and breathe in the value of one exquisite moment within your own frame of reality. Have a "It's a Wonderful Life" peek at your time on this earth. You matter whether you are creating harm or joy. We all do. If we believed it I am certain that everyone on this planet would be fed and would have adequate health care.

It seems that if we are truly going to be effective in changing this world from a materialistic, resource devouring oligarchy, then we are going to have to ask for more of our fair share and act like we deserve it.

Why FREED UP!?

2010-12-13T13:00:00.000-08:00

This blog is dedicated to freedom. If you are interested in any of the following you have come to the right blog: Social justice, creative expression, spiritual diversity, cosmic wisdom, sexual liberation, and the freedom to be truly authentic, intimate, and passionate about life.

I am a doctor of psychology, an educator, an author, a radio show host, a psychological astrologer, and a co-executive director of a radically successful teen and family program. I am a lover of poetry, animals, innovation, exuberance, and your right to express yourself in a million healthy ways.

Please join me in the quest to be free. No one will hand it to you. No one owns your imagination no matter how hard they try. So let yourself go here and say what you feel and keep it respectful and real.

Dr. Jen

Freed Up!

Crazy Time by Norine Dworkin-McDaniel

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Amazon.com: Lessons from Stanley the Cat: Nine Lives of Everyday ...

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Tips For Getting Out of Being SINGLE (If That is What You Want)

FEARLESS - WHAT A TREAT!

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/21/science/21obbrain.html

KATE BORNSTEIN RADICAL GENDER THEORIST

Letting yourself receive

Why FREED UP!?