Women & High(er) Risk Adventures

 1. These days, women are used to kicking but and taking risks in many aspects of their lives. How would you say this increased confidence relates to the increase in riskier behavior?

Confidence can lead to over-confidence when women are pressured to believe that bigger is better.  If you can jump off this rock; how about that higher bridge?  If pulling an all-nighter with “just a little help” is a piece of cake, of course you can go three days without sleep! 
 
It is natural for us to try harder things once we have mastered something at a basic level—but at a certain point, even the most well-trained woman needs to stop and ask herself if the challenge is worth the risk.
 
How does confidence factor into it?
Confidence is a precursor to boldness. First we build confidence by accomplishing what we set out to do and receiving acknowledgement and admiration; then we can get "COCKY."  If we imagine that by doing something even more difficult and riskier we will gain even more social status and respect, that’s not confidence, it’s hubris.
 

2. So many things in the U.S. are so tightly regulated and policed that it may make women take their personal safety for granted. But this isn’t always the case in the U.S., and often isn’t the case in other countries where laws are far more lax. How does this blanket assumption that "it must be fine" factor into potentially dangerous situations?
 
If there is no warning sign saying “DANGEROUS” or “CAUTION,” then women who have grown up relying on these warnings may assume that the place or activity without the sign is presumptively SAFE.  A high speed / hanging rollercoaster or bungee cord site in a foreign country or extreme location could be a death trap. If there are no waivers to sign and no apparent safety warnings, a woman may not consider that NO SIGNS could mean NO SAFETY CHECKS, and naively believe it’s a tried and true safe bet. That could be a huge mistake.
 

3. Women need to step back and do the research before setting off on these adventures. What other advice or tips would you offer to help women better protect themselves and lower some of the danger?

Ask around before attempting anything you don't really know about.  Check in with locals for the best and worst stories they can remember about the activity you are considering.  Always find out who has done this activity before and what did they experience. One drunk recounting does not equal a legitimate source!  When considering a blood rushing feat make sure you have a night to "sleep on it," and that you are "stone cold sober."  There is no high risk act that is better done on impulse.  Don't let your ego direct the show, and make sure your intentions are for your own pleasure and excitement instead of trying to prove something to someone else.
 

4. How much would you say peer pressure is involved with doing risky things? Are women being influenced by their friends and, moreover, their boyfriends? (Remember, this is a Cosmo story, so boy and boyfriends must factor in!)

Women are egged on by their friends and boyfriends who want to see a great show. Why not?
When all your instincts say no, but his eyes tell you "GO FOR IT," make sure that you have time to consider the short term benefits and the possible long term consequences.
 
I know a girl who chugged 10 shots of tequila in 10 minutes on a dare from her hot guy, only to be rushed to the ER from toxic alcohol poisoning. I know another gal who hang glided off the edge of a cliff because her guy was doing it, even though she didn't really feel that well that day. She broke her neck and was in recovery for two years. 
 
Another woman who shoplifted for her boyfriend because he thought it was super sexy, ended up being raided in her home on Valentines day and spending the night locked up behind bars. Another friend went down a double black diamond because she didn't want to seem like a wimp and ended up with a leg fractured in two places.  
 
Doing IT just because HE WANTS ME TO is not a good plan. Remember, any guy who truly LIKES YOU will like you whether or not you jump out of an airplane.  If he wants you to be thrilling so he can be turned on, you probably can't keep that up anyway. A real man wants his woman to be happy and safe, not risky and dumb.
 

5. What advice would you give women in these "influenced by my guy" situations? How do you catch themselves when being be swayed by their boyfriend?

First, be aware of the tendency, and learn to think on your feet.  Have your most sage friends on speed dial or text-ready when considering a doubtful risk.  It is always a good idea to check in with “the sane committee” before making any big decisions.
 
How do they stand up for themselves and their boundaries without feeling like a buzzkill?

A buzzkill may actually be a badge of honor once you realize that saying YES just to be popular is truly the cowardly thing to do. It takes real ovaries to value your own sense of things over anyone's temporary flattery or attention.

 6. What about so-called adrenaline daters--people who are excited by danger? Any advice on how to handle?

If he always needs to get off with some adrenaline surge, he is most likely going to be a serial dater, or a regular visitor to the ER. Guys or gals who need to stay HIGH to feel anything are suffering from mind baffling numbness and will seek more dangerous activities to keep upping the ante.  If what you’re looking for is intimacy, you won’t find it in adrenaline daters. They’re desperately looking for something or someone to take them out of their mortal bodies, and out of this world—and that's just not a place for lovers to find lasting satisfaction.

LET IT SNOW

DID SANTA GET CARRIED AWAY?

Does First Love Last? by Jennifer Freed

The lessons of first love last forever. Everyone will tell you that you never forget your first love. Most of us feel like when we fall in love for the first time that it will be eternal. We are innocent. We are idealistic. We are overcome with the profound emotions that accompany truly loving another person. We even can feel like no one has ever felt this way before.

The truth is that is rare for a love relationship that begins in High School to endure for a lifetime.

Why?

Our brains are not fully formed till we are about 25 years old and our growth and reproductive hormones are raging during our teen years. Together this combination provides a drug like concoction of fantasy, lust, and unchained romanticism. In other words we are not yet able to use all our best judgment; we are charged with chemistry that is out of this world; and we are feeling invincible when it comes to love.

A love relationship that lasts needs:

1) A balanced and mature mind 2) A connection that goes beyond chemistry (because that first divine charge fades with time no matter what) 3) An ability to work through disappointment, loss, and disagreements 4) A shared value system that can grow and change through time 5) The absence of addictions, violence, and

dishonesty

Is it wrong to believe your love is so special and beautiful that it will beat the odds?

No! That belief is a way that we move forward in our lessons in love.

However it is important when completely diving in to consider that it may not last. The minute you get sexually involved with someone you lose objectivity and the ability to make rational assessments about the appropriateness of a romantic partner. The glue of sexual intensity can make anyone seem essential to you, and many people have made damaging decisions based solely on this physical craving. It is hard to believe that superhuman attraction doesn't equal life long compatibility but it doesn't.

If we can tolerate the possibility that this may not work out (emotional maturity and logic) then we can make better decisions based on emotional safety, sexual wisdom, and keeping our friends and worlds intact instead of giving everything to one person.

A relationship can last if we take it slow and really get to know someone deeply.

It takes anywhere from 6 months to 2 years for the LOVE DRUGS of attraction to wear off, or wane. Therefore it really should be about two years before you make any permanent decision to be with anyone. It takes about that long to see the other person clearly without the haze of the intoxicating hormones of romance. If you are aiming for a lifetime with someone then a two-year trial period is no big deal right?

So can FIRST LOVE LAST? Yes if you are willing to go super slow even when your heart is beating extra fast and you are committed to your own balance and growth more than the fantasy of being saved by love. The first love that matters most of all is the one you have for yourself: your integrity, your self worth, your talents and skills, your health and healthy habits, your education, and your future.

This love will never let you down and will last forever, and will be the best gift you can ever offer another person.

WINTER SOLSTICE A TIME TO CELEBRATE SPIRIT

Here we are at WHITE LOTUS FOUNDATION

We all were graced with a YOGA session from

expert Tracey Rich.

Multigenerational exercise and sacred movement.

Wow!

Freed Up!: For Book Clubs

Freed Up!: For Book Clubs:

Questions for your book club

How can an animal teach us real lessons without having the "intelligence" of a human?

What lesson has been most relevant for you in reading this book?

If you were to teach one lesson to the world what would it be?

Why does the art add to the text, or inhibit the text of this book?

How does this author and psychotherapist think like you?

What is the main feeling you get from reading the lessons?

What do you intend to change as a result of reading this book?

YOU CAN GET WHAT YOU WANT

GET the Fast selling book LESSONS FROM STANLEY THE CAT now and YOU CAN HAVE REASONS TO CELEBRATE IMMEDIATELY. Available at your finger clicks amazon, borders, and barnesandnoble.com

Tips For Getting Out of Being SINGLE (If That is What You Want)

Here are some basic tips to find a boyfriend, girlfriend, or just someone to date. 

• The number one rule is: You are not interested unless they are.
• Do not EVER think you will grow on someone – fungus Grows, not attraction.
• Act as if you will get what you want.
• Walk like you already have a secret lover who covers you in kisses every opportunity she/he gets
• Lead the conversation with authentic compliments.
• State the obvious, like: You have a great laugh; or Your eyes are so blue.
• Don't unload your entire personal history as sign of interest. This is too much for any one person to hear except your therapist.
• Spare people your sob stories unless you want sympathy instead of attraction.
• Never date someone who doesn't ask you any thoughtful questions.
• Just like a bad car deal, if it doesn't feel right—walk away.
• Scarcity is a bad bargaining tool so make sure you have plenty of options for meaningful activities at all times.
• Become the person you would want to date in terms of interests, health habits, generosity, financial security, vitality, and kindness (instead of looking for someone to fill in the gaps).

Dr. Jen

FEARLESS - WHAT A TREAT!

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/21/science/21obbrain.html

Women loses all fear when part of her brain is removed.

So we have a part of our brain that regulates fear. Without it we are so unafraid that we don't even know when to be afraid.

We might not be frightened of the country going into unimaginable debt by giving more and more benefits to the ultra rich. We might not be afraid of candidates who believe the Civil Rights Act should be repealed. Just think of all the things we would not be scared of?

"In small doses, fear is a good thing -- it keeps us alive," Izquierdo said.

Perhaps enough fear of those who cast this nation in a squall of division and terror is helpful, and less fear of those who simply celebrate diversity would be divine.

KATE BORNSTEIN RADICAL GENDER THEORIST

Photo by Duncan Badine
http://www.voiceamerica.com/voiceamerica/vshow.aspx?sid=1598

Go here to listen to my interview with outrageously daring and compassionate Kate Bornstein.

Here is the blog www.katebornstein.typepad.com/

I would like to thank Kate for uplifting my heart and challenging me to be more FREE. Kate was a man and became a woman only to discover that being a GENDER THING was not enough. Why do we have to be SOMETHING instead of SOMEONE?

If Man or Woman as a label really helps you feel more of who you are then GO FOR IT!

But if MAN OR WOMAN does not really describe the unlimited sense of YOU then drop the labels and

the postures and become YOURSELF.

Does biology truly imply destiny?

Hmmmm What if we are only enclosed in a body but not confined to it's contours?

Kate talks about doing anything to keep yourself alive if you are feeling suicidal in her book CRUEL WORLD.

I want to take it one step to the left and say WHY NOT CELEBRATE WHO YOU ARE RIGHT NOW, AND PRETEND IF YOU NEED TO THAT YOU ARE EXACTLY THE RIGHT PERSON TO BE YOU. AS my friend EMILIKA once said "WHEN YOU FEEL DOWN JUST CREATE"

There is no better protest to the voices or people who would oppress you then to MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF AND EXPRESS YOURSELF.

Cudos to KATE BORNSTEIN for having the guts and heart to lead the way!

Letting yourself receive

RECEIVING

Why is it so hard sometimes to let people in? To let things come to us instead of chasing them down?

So many of us want to give and contribute and yet sometimes that can become a way to keep others from giving to us. Sometimes our giving becomes a way of life and we become shocked when others are selfish and preoccupied with personal gain.

What if all the givers in the world believed that everyone had something to give them?

What if all the takers in the world couldn't find someone who would just give to them endlessly?

What if everyone knew that they were worth as much as the next guy/gal regardless of outer achievements and status ?

Just take a moment right now to refrain from measuring up and breathe in the value of one exquisite moment within your own frame of reality. Have a "It's a Wonderful Life" peek at your time on this earth. You matter whether you are creating harm or joy. We all do. If we believed it I am certain that everyone on this planet would be fed and would have adequate health care.

It seems that if we are truly going to be effective in changing this world from a materialistic, resource devouring oligarchy, then we are going to have to ask for more of our fair share and act like we deserve it.

Why FREED UP!?

This blog is dedicated to freedom. If you are interested in any of the following you have come to the right blog: Social justice, creative expression, spiritual diversity, cosmic wisdom, sexual liberation, and the freedom to be truly authentic, intimate, and passionate about life.

I am a doctor of psychology, an educator, an author, a radio show host, a psychological astrologer, and a co-executive director of a radically successful teen and family program. I am a lover of poetry, animals, innovation, exuberance, and your right to express yourself in a million healthy ways.

Please join me in the quest to be free. No one will hand it to you. No one owns your imagination no matter how hard they try. So let yourself go here and say what you feel and keep it respectful and real.


Dr. Jen